Most of the time when I punch my boss in the face it’s because Tempa T ‘Next Hype’ has come on shuffle. Lethal Bizzle ‘POW’ is a close runner up. Especially satisfying if amongst a flurry of hooks and uppercuts you can manage to time saying “Right in the kisser” directly after each moment Lethal B shouts “POW!”
While grime might hold the monopoly on aggy tunes, its less hyped and often more chilled relative, UK hip hop, definitely has its moments. Lest we forget that, here’s a rundown of tunes from the scene to completely lose your shit to. And a couple that aren’t even rowdy but vaguely fit with the bizarre employment angle…
DISCLAIMER: No bosses have been punched in the making of this countdown. Don’t actually punch your boss. They almost definitely will not enjoy it and at best will fire you.
Ocean Wisdom – Walkin‘
Type of Punch: Bibbidybop him on the nibbidynoggin.
Up for debate as to whether this is even a real type of punch or just nonsense. Will leave your boss 110% bamboozled.
Baileys Brown – Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusshhh!!!
Type of punch: Punch him in the nads with your foot.
“I kick a hippy in bollocks while he’s meditating/and do the moonwalk dancing as I’m celebrating.” (Dirty Dike – 2013)
Pretty self explanatory. Obviously works better if your boss is a hippy but not essential. Do the deed and then dance for your victory with joyful abandon until forcibly removed by security or the police.
Big Toast – Anyone Order A Tough Guy? Ft The Strange Neighbour
Type of punch: Standard Wetherspoons haymaker.
A timeless classic. A clumsy thump to the headpiece to suit any occasion. Doesn’t matter what type of employment you’re in as long as its in Kent, Essex or select parts of London.
Lips to da Floor – LDZ
Type of Punch: Not a punch. Choke slam that motherfucker.
OK, yes this list was supposed to be specifically a list of UK hip hop tunes to commit nonsensical workplace assaults to. Yes, this is blatantly a grime tune. HOWEVER. As LDZ gang are longstanding actors in the hip hop sphere and ‘Lips to da Floor’ is more of a parody of grime than anything, it’s sneaked its way in. Anyway. Enough about that. This tune is carnage. If you were told that someone was going to give you a beating to a song of their choosing and this started playing you would soil yourself.
Rhyme Asylum – For The Hate
Type of Punch: All the punches. Wear a Knuckle Duster.
Overkill is the name of the game. Besides the relentless onslaught of fists, be creative with it. Really use the space and express yourself. Think WWE but with more office equipment.
Dirty Dike – Return of the Twat
Type of Punch: Left hook followed by a pie to the face.
This one is best served after a long, life-affirming absence from work somewhere cheap and sunny that’s mainly consisted of drinking and taking enough drugs to kill a meth addicted rhino. You’ve got a two-week hangover, you’re an hour late, everybody hates you already. Moments before you arrive, you come to the realisation that you are above your menial 9 to 5 and stop to buy a pie.
Terra Firma – 2006: Roller Ball
Type of Punch: Doesn’t matter. Just has to be executed at speed on rollerblades.
Do you work outside? Somewhere with pavement for aforementioned blades? Perhaps you work for the council in one of London’s many parks? Or maybe you are a traffic warden and have just realised that literally any job would be less shit? If so, this one could be just the ticket. Simply lure your boss to a location with a decent straight for the purposes of momentum and execute. Terra Firma’s ultra-rowdy 2006 banger (repurposing the soundtrack of the 1975 movie featuring James Caan being a tough guy on skates) is really the only choice for this manoeuvre.
Strange U – Klaatu Barada Nikto:
Type of punch: Hadouken
May require magical ninja powers.
Million Dan – Dogz and Sledgez
Type of Punch: Brawl Starter
Voted most likely to get out of hand quick. Your work setting and what type of punch you throw to this certified dancefloor destroyer are both irrelevant. Within the first 5 seconds all your co-workers have got involved and someone’s thrown a table.
Hire Me – Dr Syntax
Type of Punch: Happy slap your current boss during a video interview for a new job
A brave new solution to the treacherous waters of sneaking around trying to find new employment while still at your current job. (Planning required but the pay-off shall be mighty.)
Step 1: When invited to your final round interview, suggest a conference call via skype instead of meeting in person. This will peak your prospective employer’s interest by showing you know how to use a computer and they will be unable to refuse.
Step 2: Arrange call for office hours. Play ‘Hire Me’ ridiculously loud while yelling at the top of your voice into your computer about your ability to work as part of a team.
Step 3: Drawn over by the unusual presence of beats and bars in the office and the spectacle of one of their valued employees apparently completely losing their mind… your boss should appear in view of your webcam in no time.
Step 4: They’ve fallen into your cleverly orchestrated trap. Slap them.
New employers will take this as decisive and assertive. They’ll see you mean business about coming aboard and most likely will double your starting salary.
Fliptrix – Wylin Out
Type of punch: Interdimensional uppercut to that motherfucker’s third eye.
You wake up. For some reason you’re gassed. You cook breakfast like a metalhead at a Pantera gig. The resulting food is gash so you dash it on the floor. Bust out the door like the day is your bitch. Galumph down the road like a Jabberwock on beans incorporating amateur pole dancing and parkour. Smash a melon or equivalent fruit if one dares to cross your path. If you spot someone consuming a kebab, shove it in their face as a warm-up to finally rejecting the corporate rat race. As you leap into your place of work with a truly terrifying level of energy for 9am on a Monday, your boss appears in front of you. Punch them in their pineal gland hard enough to fully disrupt the octagonal alignment of their circadian rhythm. Waltz out and start a record label.
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Author: Kieron Sullivan